I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
