So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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