totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
