I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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