i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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