Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize