You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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