I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
