you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
then he tried to convert me to islam
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
