the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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