I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
