fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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