you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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