Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
