I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
