He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
now i know why i became what i already was.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
