The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
