Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize