I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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