dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
