They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
