Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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