I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
