i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
