I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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