My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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