I wish life had little blips of pornography
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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