if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
