Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
