shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
