Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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