How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
