There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
