that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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