my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
