My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
