while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
