I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
