I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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