you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
