My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
