can we get nightvision for the apartment?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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