There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
