I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize