Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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