she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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