I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
