I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
