why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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