Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
