I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
