Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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