you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
