I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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