its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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