I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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