Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
