My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
