Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So much rum. So many feels.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
