i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
