Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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